After I got off work today, the girls and I went outside to play while the boys napped.  What a great day to be outside.  We played in the sprinkler and the sandbox and then everyone needed a warm bath before soccer practice. 

I wonder how such a wonderful day can end up so horrible.  All the boys woke up from their naps crying.  I changed 3 dirty diapers.  Lucy was trying to entertain them while I fixed something to eat for all the kids…which ended up being a piece of cheese rolled inside bologna.  Lincoln smashed his finger in a cabinet door.  I thought for sure he must have broken it or something because it was so flat.  (A few hours later it seemed ok.)  Jamie walked in the door at a quarter after five to an extremely crabby wife (again) and 5 crabby children.  We load everyone up in the car and have a great 45 minutes at the Y outside.  Then we get home and the chaos starts again.  I stepped on Grace who was on the floor right behind me while I was cooking.  I didn’t see her and really hurt her.  All the boys are hungry but don’t want anything I have to feed them.  They eat a few chunks of bananas.  Vaughn spits out his food and grabs the spoon I’m trying to feed him with and carrots go flying across the room.  Gavin doesn’t want carrots so continues crying.  Lincoln gobbles them up.  After trying several different things I resort to their favorite:  Oatmeal and Applesause.  But by then everyone is so worked up that no one will eat it.  I’m crying.  They’re crying.  Grace is crying because her foot still hurts and she’s hungry but the macaroni and cheese is too hot.  Jamie’s yelling at me because I’m yelling at the kids.  I have never had the kind of breakdown that I had tonight.  I’m sitting and sobbing.  Lucy runs up to comfort me.  I take the girls and head to the store to get snacks for preschool tomorrow.  On the way Lucy says, “I love you Mommy.”  “I love you too Lucy.”  Then she says, “And I know you love me no matter what I do.”  (I guess trying to teach her about unconditional love is sinking in.)  She really wasn’t even doing anything wrong.  We get to Fareway and I start freaking out again.  Lucy doesn’t want to ride in the “car” cart this time.  So she steps all over Grace who is in the car and Grace is screaming and bawling.  Straight to the strawberries, then to the cheese, can’t forget the grape juice or whipped cream.  Then straight out of the store.  Lucy is grabbing pop out of the cooler and pulling on the tabs.  Then Gracie is doing the same thing.  I get to the point where I’m louding scolding my kids in front of everyone because I just want them to obey for 5 minutes.  I cry most of the way home.  I get home to Jamie who giving the boys a bath – individually – so the 2 boys who aren’t being bathed are in high chairs or walkers and screaming.  I again start – or continue – to cry.  It’s just been one of those days where I feel so inadequate as a mother.  How can these children possibly love me or want to be around me.  Oh how I wish I could reel back time and do it all over.  It’s become a regular thing where jamie and I count the minutes until 8 pm when we put the boys to bed.  They are so crabby and so much work all the time anymore.  I love them so much but they exhaust us.  I think a person’s character is really tested under exhaustion…and tonight, amoung many nights, I feel like a failure. 

Thank God for His Grace and a brand new day.

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7 Comments on “Failure”

  1. Laura Says:

    Most anyone would react the same way you did under the same circumstances. It is hard to give so much of your heart, body and mind to everyone and still feel strong enough for bad days like this. Have you adjusted the boys schedule lately? It may be time to re think it so they are not so tired at bedtime. I pray tomorrow is better for you.

  2. cassica Says:

    thinking of you. even those of us who have just TWO kids under 5 have those day. i cannot imagine five. thank goodness for God’s renewed mercies each day. take care….

  3. Amy Says:

    Praying for renewed strength for you today…hang in there. Love you guys.

  4. Dianne Spore Says:

    Praying for you today……today will be better! You are wonderful parents!!!! Don’t forget that.

  5. Donna Says:

    Care Bear-you can’t do it all!!! I know it appears that you have to, but things will fall through the cracks. Do the best you can, and for goodness sakes have those breakdowns. You need to! You and Jamie are under so much stress, and it will be this way for a while. That’s not very encouraging, I know, but it is LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT! 🙂 I will check in on you later! Love ya

  6. brookharts Says:

    Thank you all for your prayers and nice words. I know we have all gone through days like yesterday. It just sucks when it’s your turn again. 🙂

  7. Steve Says:

    My turn…Girl…after spending one night with your wonderful kids…I was exhausted. I have a new found appreciation for what you and Jamie do everyday, and honestly…you guys are awesome parents. You may not see that because you are sometimes overwhelmed, but knowing your kids as I do…they are terrific and that is a direct reflection of your love and the way you take time to interact with them. Crying is alright…for girls…:) Have a great day tomorrow…

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